It is election day here in America. I was going to write an article on why this election is important (it is by the way) and reasons for why we are skewing away from the constitution, but my brain hurts from all the constant opponent bashing at all levels. So I decided it would be more fun for me to bash all the candidates for office that I have been privy to seeing or hearing an ad about. So here goes.
Presidential Race
Mitt Romney
- Too easy to call Mittens
- Might wear freaky special underwear
- Real first name is Willard (google it!)
- If he win’s, will become Moderate Mitt
- Wishy washy on Abortion
Barack Obama
- Has an Islamic name
- Will blame himself for inheriting a bad economy if he wins a second term
- Is a US citizen but doesn’t hold America’s traditional values
- Does not know how many states there are
- Has never really held a “real” job
Gary Johnson
- Couldn’t cut it as a Republican or a Democrat (not a bad thing)
- Totally cool with deregulating controlled substances
- Would rather us be a reactive Military than proactive
- Believes life is precious, but believes Goverment should stay out of “life” issues
- Only nut jobs will vote for him
Ron Paul
- See Gary Johnson above
- Has two first names for his name
- Seriously Steve Forbes, Ross Perot, and Ralph Nader all knew when to throw the towel in
- Dude is like 80 (77 actually at time of writing)
- Smells funny (probably, I dunno these were just made up)
US Representative IA 4th District
Christie Vilsack
- No one liked your hubby as governor, oh wait that was Chet Culver
- Has a nagging/shrill voice
- Totally vested in the National Democratic ideas and not Iowas
- Had to move back to Iowa to compete for the race
- Did not keep Terrace Hill completely clean (I know I saw the dust left on the lamps)
Steve King
- Eats apple pie with cheese on it
- Could legitimately lose to a nag
- Does not have a filter for what he says (not a bad thing)
- Likes the Baltimore Ravens
- Makes me want to play checkers (KING ME!)
US Representative IA 3rd District
Leonard Boswell
- Dude looks like Boris Yeltsen
- Does not spend majority of his time in Iowa
- Totally cool with illegal immigrants voting
- Well liked by Prince Harry and Princess Pelosi
- Slammed my cousin
Tom Latham
- Keeps having his district flipped upside down on him
- Well liked by the chuck wagon (Grassley that is)
- Family runs a “seedy” operations (Ha thats a joke)
- Pretty cool with the TSA
- Is Danish
There is a whole slew of local races that I am not going to get involved with, but never the less if you have not voted yet and are undecided I hope I helped you make up your mind. You should vote, however as it is your patriot duty and requirement to complain about future Governmental issues.